I think it mostly started with the troubles that I’d been having with my computer. When Hype and I would try to record, a glitch in the machine would happen once in a while. I thought I’d solved it, but then it came back and I realized that I didn’t know what the cause was. The my graphics card/mobo combo decided to give out (I won’t place blame, even though I don’t think his dog reads my blog). Getting that sent off and back took a while, and when I got the laptop back, I’d rather play Team Fortress 2 with it than create music, mix, or do anything productive.

I find that it happens to me a lot, actually. It happened with jiu-jitsu and MMA training. I find that I get “good enough” at something, and it becomes boring. No longer fun, I’d say it becomes about as exciting as washing dishes. I find that my music creation process goes through cycles of sorts. I get really amped about it (usually due to a new toy, a new way or working) and then desire slowly fades away. Realizing that this is a recipe for failure, I can’t allow myself to fall into that rut. I know I’m capable of doing great things with my music, and this time I’ve got a friend that’s relying on me, so I can’t allow myself to fall victim the the lethargy.

Oddly, these thoughts coincide with a great piece of inspiration. A few days ago, I heard Peter Angelo’s song “Show Me The Exit” (right click and “save link as” to download), which I’ve now linked to since he’s put up the final final mix. I can’t believe someone I that know personally could make such an outstanding track. I’ve told him already, but I think the song is probably going to end up in my top three tracks to listen to — ever.

So the other night, when I came home from work at 2 in the morning, I turned on Reason instead of TF2, and I’d realized something. Part of why I think that I get into a rut, is because I approach composing a song in nearly the same way every time. My goal every time is to create a final product, or at least work toward it. It makes sense, because I want to make songs. But, the reason I initially want to make songs is because I find it fun. If I no longer find it fun, then making a song in a manner that I don’t find to be fun is pointless. So, my new approach to making music is to have fun, and if I get a song out of the process, then the song is just a fortunate event of that fun. It may take longer, but I’m going to be happier in the process.

Instead of working on a song when I booted up reason, I made a very simple synth patch, pressed record, and jammed on my MIDI keyboard controller for about half an hour. I’m not that great of a keyboardist, but who cares? I get to nail three birds with one stone this way. I can learn better techniques on the keys, get some material for music, and now I’m finally having fun again.

I’m a hypocrite. I’ve recently been made aware of this, and the only option that I can stand by is to change the actions that lead me to being a hypocrite. It’s something that I don’t tolerate it from anyone else, so obviously it’s something I won’t tolerate about myself.

The gist of the story is that I wrote a few lines in a song to insult Hype. I wasn’t thinking and I wanted to call Hype the most offensive word I could imagine, so here are the three lines that I started the verse with:

Yo you can’t touch me, getcha fingers away faggot // Get
Back in the closet and dress up in drag with –
All your fuckin homo friend’s setting up abnormal trends…

Yeah, it’s pretty offensive, but not in the way that I intended it to be. I intended it to be offensive in the “using harsh language” sense. The way it actually comes off is that I’m a gay hater. For me to actually use this as an insult, one would probably assume that I have something against being gay. Since I don’t have anything against gay people, I can’t stand behind my using of the word “faggot” as an insult. I also can’t believe that someone actually had to point his out to me.

So yeah, we have a song that will either not make the cut for the album, or will need to be reworked to be put on the album. In it’s current state, it’s definitely not going on. If we decide on reworking the song, we’ll definitely work on making it offensive, but only in the way that we intend it to be, nothing inadvertent.